Suicide & How It's Affected Me

Today marks 5 years from the day my best friend attempted to take her own life. While I’ve never personally attempted suicide, it’s always been a subject that weighs heavy on my heart. I’ve always said from a young age that I could never commit suicide due to the emotional pain it would inflict on my mother. Some people say that’s selfish but after being thanked for saving my best friend’s life, I’ve never disagreed more. I’m so blessed that she is still here today, and I’m even more proud of her for opening up and sharing her story in hopes that it will help save another person’s life or sanity. I’m honored that she trusted me to share her story from my perspective as it genuinely changed my life and hopefully, will encourage others to never ignore the warning signs of depression and suicidal ideations in family, friends and even every day strangers.

It was a bright Sunday morning on July 21st, 2013—5 years to the day. I was at my mom’s house, laying on the couch when I received a text message from my best friend’s sister, Betsy, asking if I had heard from her sister, Natalie. We had both just received rather odd text messages from her. While I knew she was deeply sad and had been fighting emotional and suicidal thoughts for quite some time, I never believed she would be capable of hurting herself in any way. However, the text message to her sister immediately threw up red flags. As Betsy became incredibly worried, she texted me “PLEASE HURRY!!!!!!!” She knew something was deeply wrong. I jumped off the couch, rushed to my car and sped the whole way to Natalie’s house. When I arrived, I was met by her brother-in-law Josh, who immediately said, “she won’t answer her phone and all the doors are locked.”

Luckily, I remembered that she usually kept one of the back-porch windows unlocked. I recall running around to the backyard thinking the worst of the worst and praying that the window would be unlocked. I put my hands on the glass to push it up and thank God, it opened.

I crawled in through the window while Josh followed right behind me. Once we were in, we yelled her name and began rushing around the house to find her. I went straight to her bedroom and in through the bathroom to find her soaking in the bathtub. My first thought was “OMG, she’s okay! She’s just taking a bath!” I remember yelling to Josh, “She’s fine, she’s just taking a bath!” But then I saw the look on her face; a mix of utter confusion and pure anger. And I knew something was wrong.

As I walked further into the bathroom, it was then that I saw the knife she was holding in her hand. I will never forget that first moment of realization. Seeing my best friend in so much pain that she believed she deserved and could never escape from. In that brief moment, my heart dropped, and I fell to the ground by her side as she began to cry. I grabbed her hand that was so tightly gripping the knife and started begging her to let go, reminding her that she had so much more to live for and that I couldn’t lose her in my life.

What was only 5 minutes felt like forever. There were so many things I said in attempt to talk her down. For anyone who has ever been in this situation knows how incredibly difficult it can be, especially when the person on the other end believes the world would be better off without them, regardless of what you say. She had no hope whatsoever and would have done anything to escape the emotional pain she was in. I was so genuinely scared that I was about to witness my best friend take her own life right before my eyes.

At the time, it had only been 2 months since my dad died. While that’s a story for another day, Natalie was the only friend in my life who understood the emotional toll his death had on me. I’m not sure how I would have gotten through that time period without her. It was in that exact moment of expressing that to her when I realized I never wanted to imagine my life without her in it. I had to fight for my best friend to trust and believe me when I said that things would get better and that with each new day, the pain would lessen until it was no longer there, and she’d finally be freed of her demons.

As she finally let go of the knife, I threw it back behind me and embraced her in the biggest and longest hug I think I’ve ever given her. I remember holding her so tight, soaking wet as we both began to sob even more. I was so heartbroken for her. Since the day I met her, she’s been the most genuine and kind-hearted friend I’ve ever had. She had such a beautiful heart, always wanting to make and keep her friends happy. So much to the point that she had been taken advantage of by so many of those people. She had so many reasons as to why she felt the way she did, dating as far back as elementary school, and we had talked about it so many times that I genuinely knew and understood.

As I sat on the bathroom floor holding her, Josh called her sister to update the family on what was happening. I remember her so vividly saying “I don’t want to hear the wrath of this from my family. I don’t want to go anywhere. I don’t even want to be here, and I wouldn’t be had you been any later.” She was so mad, as she was deeply determined to end her life that day. Once I was able to get her out of the bath, another kind of hell began.

Despite knowing that she would benefit from professional help, it was really hard to stand my ground to make sure she did what her family thought was best. Her family immediately began discussing having her admitted to a mental health ward to ensure her safety and to give her time to focus on getting better. She was not at all happy with this decision. In fact, she made several attempts to run away (even so much jumping the fence) until her dad got her in the car as they headed to a rehabilitation facility. It was an incredibly intense situation for her and I knew just how scared she was. It was so hard to see her in that state. It was even harder not to get her in my car and take off, as she was begging me to do.

As for Natalie, she ended up spending a week in the hospital before she was able to come home. While it took time for her to heal, she’s alive and well. A wife to an amazing man and a mother to a beautiful girl. There are still days where some of those demons come back to haunt her but instead of allowing them to take over, she now knows she can fight them, and win. Being able to see her grow from her deepest darkest state to finding the love and happiness she so truly deserved has been one of the greatest gifts of my life. I’m so proud of the person she has grown to become, and I’m blessed every day by her friendship.

By sharing her story, she hopes to provide hope and strength to anyone who may find themselves in a similar situation. You are not alone and you are entitled to all the happiness in the world. And while you may not see it now, you will within time. By sharing my perspective, I wish to send one message:

If you know someone suffering from mental illness and suicidal thoughts, do not ignore the signs before it’s too late. Thank God for Betsy and Josh Hunter because had I been any later, this story would have a much sadder ending and one less beautiful soul on this planet.